Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Morning Coffee

I haven't figured out anymore goals to add on over the past few days, to be honest, I haven't really thought about it. I've been dealing with situations where I am slipping back into old habits, so I've been a little hard on myself. I'm trying to use positive thoughts to push forward, for I know that even when things are rough, it is going to change. Change is one of the only certainties we have in this life. I would like to report that I have been eating raw for eight days now. Changes? I think so... first, my skin broke out. I read that this is the toxins releasing themselves from your body, but my skin is starting to clear, along with my brain! I definitely have more energy as well. The only thing I cannot stay away from is a little coffee! Okay, I drank tea for the first six days, but on the seventh and eighth day I've succumbed to coffee's loveliness. Yet, my body is already becoming more sensitive, and I can hardly drink a full cup without getting a little shaky :) The body is an interesting vessel. When we become more aware of it, I believe that we can actually determine what we truly need; from food to exercise to rest.
I have also started tackling my desire for optimal health in the exercise category. I've started the Insanity workout, you know, that infomercial about max interval training with Sean T. Let me tell you, this is not for people who are not already in some kind of shape. I have always considered myself fit, and this DVD is seriously making me reconsider that! Yet, the way it is set up is amazing. It has a week worth of different workouts, so my brain doesn't get bored, something new everyday. And that means I probably won't ever get use to any of the workouts. I have to admit that I didn't do them all in a row, I had to take two separate days off so far, because I was too sore. I do feel better about myself already, and it is nice to see results quickly. Insanity claims that it can get you in the best shape of your life in 60 days, and I am taking that challenge. Only two months, that's awesome and totally do-able, my brain can wrap itself around that as compared to a six month workout program. I do understand that after the two months, I will not be able to completely stop. It just seems to be a great program for people like me, who if I don't see results, I quit. Another great thing about the program is that Sean is not annoying to listen to, and the program works towards creating usable muscles as compared to vanity muscles. Oh, and I started going to yoga again this week; vinyasa and acroyoga at Urban Lotus. It's not Iyengar, but for now will have to do, and I really enjoy the studio, the people, and the teachers. Great energy and a lot of fun.
So that is my update for now, a little plug for those products :) and a little bit on how I feel. Oh and how could I not mention that today I get to see Gavin... It's been since New Years, and it's felt like forever. I love that man :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Date Night

I found another one!

#17. Once/week you have to have a date with yourself.

I did this yesterday. I was supposed to go to lunch with a friend, but they called and cancelled while I was already in transit. For a split second I was disappointed and began to think of when to jump off the bus, but then it struck me. Why can't I go alone? I've been wanting to hit up this raw cafe, and I should still go.
"I'm going to take myself on a date," I thought to myself. And then I began searching on my iPhone Fandango's application to find out where Avatar was playing. Lunch and a movie; sounded refreshing and it felt liberating. What is it like to really hang out with yourself? Instead of finding distractions throughout the day, I remained in a meditative state the next few hours, trying to really experience everything within myself and around me. My food tasted amazing, and was able to let myself really fall into the movie. And when it was all over, I went home and drew a bath full of lavender salts; it's times like these that make me think being single is not such a bad thing. It also makes me realize that this will be important to keep even when I am in a relationship that is in the same zip code, or same house/apartment!
The day was pure bliss, and extremely fulfilling. Even thought I didn't "get anything done," I did, on a personal level. A relationship with yourself is the most important relationship... have I said that before?

I think that's all for now. Peace and light to you all :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

I just received a job offer where I would be leaving this coming weekend. I could take it, it's a short term agreement, and I would be getting to do what I want. Then when it was over, I'd be heading to Canada to finish my yoga training. So it seems like a great arrangement. However, I'd worry about not being able to find a sublet or if I did find someone, I'd worry they were crazy and that is not something you want to give to your awesome roommate/best friend. I also had a mini breakdown thinking that I would not see Gavin again. If I do take it, then I will be adding three more months onto our separation. And yet, there is that part of me that says, 'Take the job.' I shouldn't do anything because of a man. My decision should be based solely on how I feel about it. If it excites me, I should go, right? It's my career, and that is most important. Or are these the sort of thoughts that will forever leave me in a perpetual single state? Is that a bad thing? Will I choose love? Will I choose my life? I always figured if it was the right guy, then I would choose love. Last time I did that, it was the wrong decision, but at least I know now. And this job isn't a dream job, not something I've been waiting for. However, if I take it, I will be doing circus once again, and I would get back into performing shape. And if I stay here, it is only to get more time with Gavin. And I know that he just wants me to do what makes me happy.
Would it help me to leave? Would that keep us from getting too close before he leaves? I guess I have some decisions to make, as well as a pros and cons list!
As far as coming up with more ideas for my bucket list, I've been slacking. This week has been an emotional rollercoaster, and hopefully I will get out of this funk so I can feel like I'm living again. And of course when I'm having all these bad feelings about my current situation, this offer would come through, giving me the option that I love the most ... to run away.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Small beginnings

I have been trying to come up with ideas for the bucket list, and I am realizing it is going to be a little more difficult than I thought. What do I want to accomplish in a year? Should I make my goals big or small? And then do I have to make my ideas specific? When I write down a want, I find myself breaking it into smaller categories. So do I separate those, or just leave them in one? It would be easier to reach the 100 mark with all the subcategories being counted, however, is that cheating? I guess what it comes down to is that I can't have a lot of rules on this thing. I should just keep it how it comes....
That being said, I've come up with a few, not 25 yet, but I'll get there; perhaps by the end of this post!
The Single-Girl's Bucket List :
1. Take a pole dancing class/series
2. Take a road trip with only female friends
3. Finish my Iyengar yoga certification
4. Go out one night and leave my phone at home
5. Train for something ie marathon, triathlon, etc.
6. Get lost and find my own way
7. Reach a level of optimum health
8. Raw diet for at least 30 days
9. Vegan diet for at least 30 days
10. Stick to a workout program for two months
11. Become a great hula hooper
12. Learn how to spin fire
13. Start my own online knitting company
14. Meditate daily, even if that means for only three minutes
15. Do something that scares me ... will have to figure that one out.
16. Go 30 days without any 'drugs' : no caffeine, no Aleve, no nothing

I know a lot of them so far have to do with health, eating, and working out. For my entire life I've worried so much about my body, which I am sure any woman can relate to. I feel like this is something that I want to get a handle on before I'm in a relationship with anyone. The healthiest relationship should be with myself. I am tired of dieting and constantly feeling like I'm playing catch-up. One week I feel amazing, the next week I don't. I want to keep a consistent and balanced lifestyle going, so I don't have to worry about it. I want to completely adopt what I choose to be the best lifestyle for me. I picture it, I basically know what I want. I would love to be 80% raw, eating organic foods, as well as being diligent about my yoga asana and meditation practice. #5 is important for me too, because I've always been a person who works out, and being a circus performer for a couple years (yes, this is the truth), I did train. This time I want to train for something that has an end result.
#16 might seem interesting to some, but I want to find out what I can use naturally if I am feeling like I need a pick me up or if my knee is bothering me. This would help me to discover what my body truly needs instead of using societies fixes.
Well, I guess that is it for now. I think that is a great start, and I have to admit, it's a little scary. However, this year really feels like an optimistic time, and I am going to take full advantage of that!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I don't think I clarified my current 'boyfriend' situation enough in my last post. We are currently in a long-distance relationship. The thought of making that distance even more so, to the point that I won't be able to travel only a couple hours to see him hurts, that's for sure. Who knows how much I will get to talk to him in a week. I'm hoping that lovely modern technology works for me, and I'm sure I am going to be best friends with Skype. So not only do I feel ripped off by time already, it is just going to get worse. Luckily, Gavin and I were able to spend our New Years together, however he left only days ago, and I feel like a drug addict going through withdrawal. Waking up without him causes me to feel lonely, and I hate to admit it, pathetic. I don't want to even get out of bed. Luckily my job forces me to join the real world and helps keep my mind off of it for a period of time. Yet my days are full of wondering what he is doing and wishing he were here. Everything I do is fine, but would be so much better if Gavin were there to share it with me. I am a walking love cliche.
I have found a positive side to all of this, I'm in training. When the time comes for him to fly off to Asia, I will already have felt these feelings. I will already know how I am going to feel and how much I am going to miss him. Or at least that is what I am trying to convince myself. Ah! It all seems like a cover-up of this female who wants to scream, "But if you love me, we should be together! I have more to offer you than China. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we choosing to drive ourselves crazy and bring pain through all of this love?" I want to rip my skin off.
I know what you're thinking ... China is his way of getting out. He is afraid of commitment. We will break up a couple months in, because of (insert stereotypical, I'm-just-not-that-into-you excuses here). And that is fine, you can think that. But both Gavin and I are extremely free-spirited people, and when opportunities come, I would hate to be the person to take someone away from an incredible experience. I've done it myself too many times, and then bitterness ensues. I would never ask him to give something up for me.
And so this leaves me here, single, to an extent. Maybe I should have called this the "In a Long Distance Relationshio Bucket List," but that just doesn't have the same ring to it. And I think that over the next year, I will go out on dates, but just leave the intimacy out. I think it would make it all the more interesting to try and remain celibate. Oh Lord, really?! I can't believe I am writing that... There would be a chance that I would visit Gavin in China and then the whole celibate thing would be on hold! SO back to the bucket list. This is where I need to start my journey. I think it is important to write down a few things that I think I need to accomplish as a single girl, or that I could only accomplish as a single girl. I need to think of this more. When I come up with the first 25, I will get back to you. I don't think that I should get over 100 with it, that seems a little excessive....
That's all for now. If anyone is reading this and has any ideas, please feel free to leave a comment. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

The "Single" Life

To : All the Single Ladies (cue Beyonce here)

I have finally come across what may be an interesting topic to focus on over the next year. I will have to research and find some more concrete facts about the subject, but hell, I am the subject. And my story/experiences will be different from any New York Times survey or Time Magazine interview, so I'm going with the self on this one.
For the next year, most likely starting in the month of March, I will blog about my single life. I will remain single for an entire year, and I cannot believe that I am making a claim like this, but it could be highly entertaining. I'm sure there will be days of bliss as well as days of extreme stress and frustration, but hey, isn't that common in everyone's lives. I am at a bit of an advantage at the moment.... I have to confess there is a man in my life. So, currently, I'm not single per se... I will be come March though. Let me explain, I need to rewind over the past year for anyone to understand.
A year ago at this time, I was engaged. It's strange for me to think of now. I had what you would think every woman is striving for. I'd quickly found a committed, handsome, and kind boyfriend, a wonderful apartment in the city, and two supportive families at our sides. Over the Christmas holiday he popped the question with 'the perfect ring,' and bam, we were engaged. It all seemed to be fate; one big 'whirlwind romance.' Looking back, it was fate, for I would not be in the place I am now if this had not all happened. Anyways, after a couple of months, I began to realize that what everyone else wanted for me, or what society had told me was correct was nothing that I wanted myself. I didn't want the conventional lifestyle. I missed traveling, exploring new places, meeting new people, and wild flirtations. I missed my career and my creative outlets. Cooking suppers, cleaning house, and reading newspapers on Sunday seemed too mundane and '50s housewife for me personally. And the thought of planning a wedding, going through with it, purchasing the house with the white picket fence, and then popping out offspring made me grow more claustrophobic of my situation everyday.
"But I love him," I would try and convince myself. And it was true, I did love him. I loved him for the amazing person that he was, for the morals he stood for, and for the way that he knew how he wanted his life to be. I didn't know what I wanted my life to be, and that was our dilemma. He needed someone who wanted to share that lifestyle with him. I didn't want to share mine with anyone; I missed having lovers and then passing them by as I changed locations and careers. At this point, I believed no one man could satisfy all my needs.
I tied up all my loose ends, and in the early spring, I left. At 27 years old, I was moving back to rural Michigan with my parents. Not horrible, considering my parents are some of the greatest people I know, and have the most amazing house, but you feel like you lose your 20-something raw attitude when your curfew is re-instated. Bye-bye independence. And yet, at this time, which was confusing and a little heart breaking, I needed that. The comfort was, well, comforting. I also made a pact to myself at that time. My pact was simple : I would remain single for a full year. I was feeling very bitter about the whole idea of being in a relationship, I was feeling stifled and that no one could possibly keep up with my amount of energy and spontaneity. I felt that I had wasted a good six months of my life. I day dreamed about the single life and the idea of complete, utter freedom. I would never answer to anyone, I would make my own decisions without having to consult another person, and I would openly love whomever I wanted whenever I wanted. If I wanted chocolate cake and PBR for breakfast, it was my prerogative. Any eccentricities wouldn't be judged, and I would delve in them! Infinite possibilities, not closing any doors, and feeling complete for myself and no one else.
And that is just what I did...
I drank too much, stayed out too late, smoked packs of cigarettes, and had a couple one night stands; typical, stereotypical, and conventional (exactly the opposite of what I wanted). Sadness slowly drifted in, but summer was close to over, and Burning Man festival was only a month away. I had also decided that I would be moving to Chicago with my best girl friend right after the week in the desert. Positive change would happen soon enough.
And it did happen : Gavin happened. A guy I'd known in college wrote me a small email through Facebook. He was coming to visit some friends, and he wanted to know if I was in town. I was.
I'll keep it all short here. Basically, we tried our hardest not to become anything that resembled a couple. Since we'd known each other years before, we were able to be just friends, with really amazing benefits. And we both openly verbalized how much we hated the boyfriend-girlfriend label and we both believed we'd be forever single.
"You guys are building a relationship on the fact that you both don't want to be in a relationship," our friend's would tell us. And it was true. We discovered that we were exactly what each other was not looking for. And yes, now I'm totally in love...
That being said, I'm not taking the same route as I have in the past. I'm taking this one day at a time. And because the universe listens to us and answers our prayers and intentions, I am going to be single for a year anyways. Gavin teaches english abroad, and will be moving to China in March for an entire year. Be careful what you wish for!
So whether I like it or not, I have a year to be single.
I believe my next step is this : I have to decide what single means to me. Does single mean celibate? Does single mean that I can do what I please? At first I was going to be able to do what I wanted, and just not get involved with anyone. Now I am involved... so basically it is a year of a long distance relationship, but in that time I want to fit in everything I would and could do as a single person.
Let the journey begin :)